


The Christmas Card

by OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Christmas Party, Crack, F/M, Gen, Ugly Sweaters, fake family, tiny bit of Royai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 12:33:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8489821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor/pseuds/OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor
Summary: Roy has a brilliant plan to prank Hughes by finding a fake family to pose for Christmas pictures with him. Total crack fic.





	

Roy sighed and let his head fall onto the pile of incomplete paperwork on his desk. Hughes was already talking about Christmas. Christmas cards, Christmas parties, Christmas decorations… Halloween was yesterday, Maes, yesterday! He needed to do something to get back at Hughes for all this holiday talk that he was going to have to endure for the next two months, not mention all the ‘first Christmas’ pictures of baby Elicia. Pictures… now that was idea that held possibility… Roy grinned, shoved his paperwork aside, and started penning an ad. Even Hughes would be blown away by this!

            Two weeks later, Roy waited anxiously to meet the three people who had answered his ad. His aunt, Madame Christmas, had graciously agreed to let him use one of the private rooms at her bar, though she had shaken her head at his reasons. “So much potential, Roy-boy, and this is what you do with your talents?” Roy had just given her his most charming smile, and Chris let it go. The first to show up was Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. She saluted sharply when she realized he was a superior officer.

            “Sir!”

            “Calm down, Lieutenant. We’re both off duty today. And as the ad stated, what we’re going to do today will be utterly ridiculous.” He smiled cheerfully, taking a moment to note how attractive the lieutenant was. He handed her a box filled with garish second-hand Christmas sweaters.

            “Go ahead and find something you like. Or the absolute, most awful one you can find!” Mustang said gleefully. Hawkeye started gingerly digging through the box of ugly Christmas sweaters.

            “Now, where are those boys?” Mustang wondered out loud.  A clanking sound proceeded the arrival of Edward and Alphonse Elric. Riza and Mustang shared a quick glance, silently agreeing not to say anything about the giant suit of armor that had just entered the room, or the automail limbs the other boy was sporting. Both Roy and Riza had seen war and destruction, and they could read the hallmarks of trauma in these two. Taking all this in in a moment, Roy knew that this plot had to be even more over the top than he originally planned. He jumped into the role with his usual theatric flair.

            “My boys! So glad you could make it! Now, who is Edward and who is Alphonse?” he asked. The short blonde immediately exploded.

            “Cut the crap, we’re just here for the pay,” he growled.

            “Brother! Be nice! You promised…” the suit of armor chided. Turning to Roy, he made the introductions.

            “I’m Alphonse, and this is my older brother, Edward,” Al said sweetly. Roy studied Alphonse for a moment.

            “I don’t know if I have a sweater that will fit you, but how do you feel about Christmas lights?” Roy asked. Al’s face seemed to light up.

            “I love Christmas lights!” Al said excitedly. Roy smiled gently, before remembering that he probably shouldn’t show that side of himself to people he didn’t know. “Edward, how about finding a sweater in that box Riza is digging through?”

            “Call me Ed,” the small blonde muttered. He pulled a sweater out of the box and stared at it in horror. “Are you serious about this? It’s a good thing you’re paying us…” Ed complained. Mustang  grinned malevolently, making even Ed take a step back.

            “Oh, I’m completely serious. Hughes won’t even know how to respond to this!” Roy said happily. Ed just started at him.

            “So… this really is some kind of a practical joke? We weren’t sure your ad was actually legitimate…” he shrugged. “But I can get behind pranking someone. What’d the guy do to you, anyway?”

            “And endless barrage of Christmas pictures of his child, and a refusal to talk about anything but the upcoming holiday.” Ed grimaced.

            “The guy sounds like a real holiday nut case. Well, Scrooge,  let’s get these pictures taken.”

 

            Hughes stared at Roy’s Christmas card in shock. Who _were_ these people? And where did Roy find them? Hughes studied the grinning blonde woman next to Roy in all the pictures, and a glimmer of an idea began to form. So this is how Roy wanted to play?

            “Gracia?” He called. “Can we invite a few extra people to the Christmas party? I think I’ve found Roy a wife!” Maes grinned to himself. This could be very, very fun.

 

            Roy contemplated his invitation to Hughes’ annual Christmas party in despair. It was addressed to ‘Roy Mustang and Family’. Roy pinched the bridge of his nose. He could attend the party alone, but that would be admitting defeat. Reluctantly, he called Lieutenant Hawkeye and the Elric brothers.

            “I can’t offer anything but the promise of delicious food this time, but…”

 

            The night of Hughes Christmas party found Roy shifting nervously as he waited for Riza, Ed, and Al to arrive. They had agreed that it would be best for all of them to show up at the party together. To Roy’s surprise, Ed hadn’t put up an argument about the party. The kid seemed to try to find ways to be antagonistic. Riza once again was the first to arrive. It took all of Roy’s will power to keep his jaw from dropping. The lieutenant wore a slinky red dress with thigh-high slits that showed off her shapely legs. She had topped the outfit with a classic black wrap, and had her hair clipped up in a slightly fancier version of her normal style. Edward and Alphonse were only a minute behind her, Edward having actually managed to make himself look presentable, instead of like a punk.

            “Shall we?” Roy asked.

 

            Asking Roy to bring his fake family was turning out far better than Hughes could have anticipated. Roy, ever the smooth talker, could easily avoid the questions of who he’d brought with him, mostly describing them as ‘coworkers’. As Ed was a state alchemist, and Riza was military, it wasn’t technically a lie. Maes was also greatly enjoying Roy’s struggles to keep his eyes off his very attractive not-date. He wanted to laugh at how they instinctively stuck close to each other. Edward and Alphonse managed to be sociable without being attached to Mustang’s hip. Maes crowning moment came toward the end of the night. While chatting with Roy and Riza, he casually steered them under the mistletoe, carefully avoiding his wife’s warning look. Once he had them positioned, he clapped a hand on both their shoulders, gesturing upwards with his chin.

            “Well, well, well, look who’s under the mistletoe!” His victims looked slowly upwards, then stared at each other in shock.

            “May I?” Roy asked quietly. Riza hesitated, then nodded. Roy leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to hers. It was all Maes could do to keep from rubbing his hands together in glee. When they broke apart, both a little dazed, Maes whispered loudly to Roy:

            “You’re totally going to marry that girl!”


End file.
